Monday, January 24, 2005

Long time no see.. Greetings to Mei Ying Mei Ling!

not in the best of moods.. questioning my life..of course again to do with my only living parent... my dad.. Here a few thoughts I just needed to get out..

How often did he ask me if I needed anything when I was sick? Never…
But when he was sick he ordered me to get his medicine… How often did he care enough to come over and see if I was alright? .. Not once
How often did I wish he was there? ….A million times…
How often did I wish he asked me how I was feeling? .. a million times…
How often did I wish he was holding me and comforting me? … too often..
How often did I wish he’d understand me and actually care for my feelings? … too often to count
How often did I wish he knew who I am?

How often did I wish he’d understand? How often did I wish he’d let me be myself?

How often did I hide my fears from him?
How often did I hide my tears from him?
How often did I hide my pain?

How often did I do this to not make him feel more miserable?

How often do I wish to be heard?
How often do I wish to be held?
How often do I wish to be understood?
How often do I wish not be alone?

How often do I wish he cared?
How often do I wish to just live my own life?
How often do I wish I could get away?
How often do I wish I had the strength?

How often do I wish someone would understand what’s inside of me?

How often did someone really know me?
How often did someone care enough?

Tuesday, June 1, 2004

Greetings from the fires of hell...
I don't know any other way of how to describe my current situation in life.
Last time I wrote into this journal I was still hopeful everything would turn out for the better- now I'm not so sure anymore.

Thank yous to Mei Ying and Mei Ling for writing such nice comments into my tagboard*hugs you*.. they helped me a lot. I wanted to write to you guys for ages.. but somehow time seems to fly by so quickly right now, it's running through my fingers like sand.

To get back to topic.. after Christmas all hell broke loose and we were informed that the next thing would be a complete revamp of the house.. and if I say complete I'm talking about no stone will be left on the other- could as well have built a whole house altogether.*sighs*

Fot that purpose the whole house has to be emptied.. also my rooms of course. My father wants none of the old stuff there anymore.
Oh.. and isn't he sweet.. once the renovation is done.. and if I want to stay for a night or so.. I am kindly allowed to sleep in a guestroom.
I don't think he has a clue what it means for me to loose my home.. the place I grew up in.

I understand that he is happy.. and that he deserves this. I am happy for him in that respect- but why can't he try to understand me a little as well? It just hurts so much to loose the place you loved all your life.

But that is not all.. Easter he told us that they were going to marry- in June. Oh isn't life wonderful.
At least none of their children were very happy about it. Maybe it's mean and wrong not to be- but I simply couldn't find the strength in me to be really happy for them. They have known each other for only half a year and decide to marry. And my father is absolutely blinded by love.. and sad to say it- hormones.

So now I have to listen to my father telling me that I'm lazy and sit at home and do nothing at all (is he ever there?-no) and pretty much that I'm rather worthless.

Only ray of light right now is the job I'll start some time in June..

*runs off to hide in her hole again*

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Surprsie,surprise... I'm still alive!

Sorry the page looked so arkward for such a long time. My image host's files got all deleted and I didn't have any access to the files.

So, here I am again with a new layout.. veeeery simple, I know; but that's what I like best right now. Just added a few swirls and lines.. done.
And I also like the darkness of this new layout- conveys my current mood quite perfectly.

I hope everyone had a good start into the new year! Mine could have been better.
The whole last three months could have been better*sighs*

It all started so well.. finally I got a nice job and can do what I really like.
But as always something horrible to weigh things out again has to happen.- what? you may ask;
and here's the answer: my father's got a new girlfriend.

Not just any girlfriend.. but the very first after my mother's death.
Which in itself wouldn't be a bad thing. He deserves to be happy again. Yet he is behaving very childishly right now.
A week after we (my brothers and I) had found out about that woman, my father chose to introduce her to us. One should think that it'd be best to meet her neutral grounds-not my father- he brought her to my nephew's birthday party where the family met her.

But that's rather typical for my dad. After that all of us have been really emotional. It was fascinating how much turmoil this caused. For all three of us it was like our mother died all over again..

But this hasn't been the worst part by far, yet-- It just kept getting better and better.
and a week before Christmas I learned that she would already move in (they had met in September). but my biggest problem was, that she'd spend Christmas with us.
When I told my father I didn't want that because Christmas is a family celebration and she didn't belong to the family yet, he just told me that she was family to him- and if I didn't accept that he's look for other people to be around.
He told me to my face that he'd abandon his children if they didn't accept her (which wasn't the question anyway.. it was all about his rushing into this and not giving us time to adjust to the new situation), he's abandon us. This was pretty hard for me.. for I'm the only one of us three sibling who has no family of her own yet. My father is all I have, technically.
At that moment I should probably just have stood up and gone.. but I couldn't. So I gave in and spent the holidays with them.

It's been less than fantastic.. and I still don't agree with the way my father is treating all of us- but then again I don't want to loose him either.


*sighs* Sorry for all the babbling.. if you made it this far you're really brave.

I hope you guys are alright!

Friday, July 18, 2003

Looks at date of her last blog entry...o.O

Sorry for that.. really didn't mean to. Didn't have much time and it seemed the time just ran by so quickly I didn't even notice.

I've only come to realize how pathetic my life has been lately.. I have been hiding at home, working.
I've come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no life... I'm really close to buying a cat and become one of those old ladies who live aolone with their cats..*sighs* ..-_-
Funny thing was that a friend told me to get a boyfriend instead.. says they are at least easier to get rid of...-_-;

For now I'm trying to enjoy my holidays a little.. and after that we'll see what happens next.

Sorry to Mei Ying and Mei Ling for being such a horrible friend.. I'll try to be better in the future..

Take care everyone!

Monday, February 17, 2003

It's been a really long time since I last blogged..
so..here I am again.. with a new layout!*grins*
I actually wanted to use this picture of Aya for a very long time but never had the right idea for a layout.. but a few nights ago it struck me like lightning and this came out of it.. and I pretty much like it^-^
Took me a few hours to make.. especially the circles..
The black and purple colors are very strange for me.. for I have never used prurple in a layout before, but I rather like it.
I also added a tagborad, since so many people seem to have them these days I thought I'd give it a try as well^^.

What else to say?hmm.. I started a new course.. which I'm really happy about now.. it's fun learning a new graphics program such as Illustrator. you can do so much fun stuff with it .^_~

I'll be off now.. but I'll try to blog more often!!*waves*

Monday, November 18, 2002

To all out there who have been wondering.. I'm not dead!

I know I owe a very overdue email to you and you.
I haven't forgotten about you and am really sorry for that long absence. I just wanted to say that here until I have more time to write proper emails to you.

Please don't think I forgot about you!.. I'll explain everything lateron..

Monday, October 7, 2002

Alright, it's been some time since I last posted something here.. but you know.. nothing much happened.

Well except that none of my friends have time for me on my birthday and I'm pretty much stuck at home for the day*sighs*
I didn't want a real party or anything, just a nice evening with popcorn, girl chat and maybe some movie watching..
Oh well, one can also have a nice time with oneself, right?

You might think that at the age of almost 21 you are old enough to decide what you wear-wrong..at least in my case.
I have this really old dark blue wool pulllover fro m school, which unfortunately has a small hole in it's sleeve.. and yet it's the coziest thing I have to wear, it's warm and comfortable.. and I'm only wearing it at home. But my dad sees me in it and starts telling me that the thing is ugly(which it really isn't) and not to wear it anymore..
I love to wear that pullover and you know.. nobody important will see me with it at home!
So I didn't react and kept on wearing it.
My father's very dominant..pretty much like my mum used to be, but he doesn't see it.. he gives advice and always expects his children, who are all grown up to do what he proposed.
I have no problems with this, because if he says something I don't want to do, I just don't do it and just nod and smile.. but my brothers always take everything so seriously and quarrel ensues..

So that's my boring life at the moment...*wanders off to study some more*

Thursday, September 19, 2002

*looks at clock*...o.O It's 2:09 am over here already..
Shouldn't have drunk all that green tea..it works better than coke or coffee for me.^_^
Long time, no see.. I simply had no time to write something..and quite honestly nothing much happened in my life.. nothing worth writing down here at least.

You are probably wondering about the new layout..well..I saw this picture and _knew_ I had to use it for a layout.
So here it is.. isn't Aya cute, when he's sleeping?*gets all googly eyed*
But I found lots of other nice pictures of him and also tons from the Manga X which I really like.. so you will probably see a new layout here every week or so..^^;;

Anyway, how do you like this layout?
I did it all by myself and I'm quite proud of it. It was a lot of work coding all those tables..fingers hurt now.. but then again it was worth it*grins*

About life in general.. had trouble with my brother.
He thinks he can tell me what to do on my birthday. He got me so angry!But if I wrote down everything now I'd still be here tomorrow morning.*sighs*

Oh..and Mei Ying I know that problem with hotmail and junk mail. I had an account that got swamped with those..all those same things you mentioned. But as far as I know, hotmail has the right to sell your email adress for promotion..
Oh..and did you get my email?I wrote to you on Saturday,but I don't know 100% if it worked..